Expressing your feelings when you’re hurt

This popped into my head as an important topic as I was recently hurt by someone I care about. Believe me, my friends, I know what it feels like to be hurt. As a hyper-emotional individual, I get hurt easily and often.hurt

I try to take responsibility for my reactions to things. I always analyze my feelings and their origin before allowing myself to have a reaction to them. Believe me this is not an easy task.

There are a few things you should keep in mind when deciding to voice your hurt to your partner.

First and foremost, you need to remember that 99 times out of 100, your partner did not deliberately do what they did to hurt you. I know this is much easier said than done when you are hurt. You are experiencing feelings of anger, sadness, depression, betrayal, neglect, or something else negative and powerful. The reason you need to remember this is because the actions you take when you are hurt do not erase themselves when you feel better. It is very easy to fall into a trap where you say or do something that is hurtful and you end up regretting it later. Unfortunately, by that point, it can never be taken back. Trust me, you will never regret not having said something hateful or hurtful to your partner.

First and foremost, you need to remember that 99 times out of 100, your partner did not deliberately do what they did to hurt you.

Secondly, take time to assess how you are really feeling. A lot of the time, the feelings you perceive at the onset are not the same feelings you realize you have later; they are more like symptoms. For instance, right after you get hurt you will usually experience anger and sadness. After a few hours, or a day, you might find that the real problem was a feeling of abandonment, slight, or disregard. It is extremely important when communicating your hurt to your partner that you first understand what it is you are feeling. I know it sounds silly, but you might be surprised at how this turns out for you. We all misidentify our emotions at one time or another. What makes you emotionally advanced is knowing this and taking the time to evaluate.

We all misidentify our emotions at one time or another. What makes you emotionally advanced is knowing this and taking the time to evaluate.

Third, you need to address your partner calmly with respect and compassion. This is going to be emotional for both of you. This does not mean you cannot cry, get upset, or express yourself; it means you need to be honest about how you are feeling and try to remember that your partner is going to have feelings too. In a lot of cases, those feelings are not going to be good. They are going to, in all likelihood, feel bad for hurting you. I think you will find it is easier to express how you feel when you keep the feelings of your partner in mind as you communicate. If nothing else, it will serve as an example of how to interact without hurting someone when you have an issue. I have said it before and I will say it again: “hurt people, hurt people.”

Fourth, take responsibility. It is very rare when something wrong in a relationship is caused by a single party. Take responsibility for your feelings. Take responsibility for the reactions you have. Maybe instead of “this is how you made me feel,” you could try “because I have been through X, I tend to be like Y and when you behave like you did yesterday it hurts me, and I don’t like being hurt by or angry at you, let’s figure out how we can work together to keep this from happening again.” Just because you take responsibility for your part or your emotions does not mean that you are conceding the right to hurt you to your partner. It shows that you have taken the time to evaluate your feelings. It shows that you have considered their feelings and respect them. I know this sounds new age but the fact is, if you work things out and take responsibility, you can spend more time having sex instead of arguing. I think most people would like that.

Just because you take responsibility for your part or your emotions does not mean that you are conceding the right to hurt you to your partner. It shows that you have taken the time to evaluate your feelings.

Fifth, make sure you are willing to do your part to help your partner heal or change. If it is a one-time thing and it does not happen again, great. Let it go and get past it. You have dealt with it, your partner understands how they made you feel, and it is time to just let it go and be forgotten. It is just another piece of who you are. If there is something that needs to be changed, offer to help. Offer to do what you can, in a healthy way, to make it easier for them to change. See if there is a behavior you can change in compromise that will make it easier for them to make adjustments. Also, no matter what, don’t forget to give them time to work on it. Not many things or people change overnight.

Your partner needs to know that you expect to be hurt by them. Let them know you do not expect them to be perfect, and when they hurt you, you still love them anyway.

Finally and most importantly, make sure your partner knows how much you love, respect, and cherish them. Your partner needs to know that you expect to be hurt by them. Let them know you do not expect them to be perfect, and when they hurt you, you still love them anyway (assuming you still do). You can be supportive while you are asserting yourself. You can be supportive while telling your partner you do not like their behavior and it hurts you. Being supportive is all about letting the other person know that regardless of whether or not you agree or feel the same as they do, you still love and respect them.

Think about how you would like your partner to come to you when they have a problem with you. Next, take the time to think about how they like to have issues brought up to them and then to do the best you can to respect everyone’s wishes.

Remember, don’t hide how you feel. When you are hurt and sweep it under the rug it may stop hurting but it does not stop festering and eventually, it will come out later and be thrown on the pile in an argument and that is not a good thing to do to someone you love.

 

Peace, love and happiness always,

K

The importance of communication in a relationship.

I saw someone post an article on Facebook today that talked about things women don’t tell men about sex but should.

Communication

I read the article and it had some good information in it. I didn’t agree with all of it but I am not a woman so I am going to take the feedback of the women at face value and believe their answers. After all, who would know more about being a woman than a woman?

Now where I started to get concerned was when I started to read the comments. I saw ridiculous comments that stated things like, the reason a circumcised man is less sensitive than a man with foreskin is because “The penis dries out and becomes less sensitive”. I could not believe my eyes. I had to read that comment three times to make sure I was really reading what it said.

Another comment that concerned me was a woman who said “We should not have to tell men what we want in bed, they should just figure it out on their own.”

You have got to be kidding me. Really?!?! You are going to promote less communication in a relationship? This made me realize that it may not be so obvious that communication in a relationship is important if not crucial.

First, let’s take a look at what we should be/need to be communicating. The answer here is simple although not always easy to do. Most importantly in a relationship, you need to communicate your feelings. This does not mean just happiness and joy. This also means love, sadness, anger and frustration as well.

If you expect your partner to “just know” you are going to find yourself “Just broken up”. It is not fair to expect either partner in a relationship, regardless of gender, to just know what the other is thinking or feeling. This does not apply just to romantic relationships either. This information applies to all personal relationships.

Don’t get me wrong there is responsibility on both sides of the fence. The person communicating needs to do so in a constructive and respectful way and the person listening needs to listen and take to heart what they are being told. Not as a negative, but as constructive criticism. Your partner is telling you how they feel because they want to be with you and have a happy relationship with you not because they dislike you or are trying to hurt you.

This is one of those strange things in relationships that feels bad or uncomfortable at times but is actually good. After all, if you do not tell someone what they are doing to piss you off, how can you expect them to fix it? At the same time if your partner gives you feedback, listen and try to work with them to figure out what the issue is. I think you will find that your partner is eager to work with you to get things worked out so everyone is happy.

Sometimes it is something very easy to fix. Other times it may land you talking to a relationship counselor. Either way, it is always best to talk about and deal with your issues so that nobody feels slighted in a relationship. Both partners in a relationship are entitled to have feelings. Acknowledging your partners feelings by listening to them and taking them to heart is always a good thing. You really do need to remember, again, that they are sharing these things because they love you and want to be with you.

The last point I would like to cover is sex. This may be one of the most important communication areas in a romantic relationship. Sadly, it is also one of the ones that is most often neglected or not dealt with at all.

In order for you to communicate with your partner during sex, first you need to know what you like or at least have a desire to experiment and figure it out.

Share this with your partner. Don’t be afraid to say “Hey it feels good when you touch me here” or “I like it when you do this with your tongue” or “Hey, it doesn’t feel so hot with teeth” or what have you. Sorry to be so graphic but these are EXACTLY the types of things that never get talked about. The silliest part is, the person we should all feel most comfortable talking to about this is our partners. I understand this is not always the case. If you do a little research you will find there is plenty of information available on activities you can do to help rebuild that closeness. I will write more on this later or perhaps invite a guest writer to cover the topic.

I recommend sharing your fantasies with each other, you might find out you have some in common. Don’t be afraid to experiment. If you try something and don’t like it, it is ok to say so.

Here is a good way to break the ice, human sex map…fill one of these out and share it with your partner. Ask them to fill one out and share theirs with you. When you find spots of interest that neither has tried…give them a try. I guarantee you will have fun and you might even find out you are meeting your partner for the first time in the bedroom 😉 Either way, make sure you take the time to talk about all of it :).

The point is, if you do not communicate with your partner, if you do not share your fears, courage, successes, failures, desires, and wishes with your partner, the chances of your relationship surviving, romantic or otherwise, are not good.

Give in, allow yourself to love and trust that your partner will love ALL of you. Trust them with your feelings and allow them to trust you with theirs. Just remember that comes with responsibilities in both directions too (more on that later). Take a chance, I personally guarantee that when you find the right person you will not care how many tries it took to find them.

I would like to close by saying, Be careful with other peoples hearts and reckless with your own. Fall in love with the world as often and as deeply as you can. Until just a few years ago I had no idea what that really meant.

Peace, love and happiness always,

K

Narcissistic Reality vs. Narcissistic Personality…There is a difference!

*Please read this before reading the article below.*

Hello everyone,

I wrote a piece a couple of days ago on the theory of narcissistic reality. This apparently started some debate on narcissistic personalities. I feel like I need to clarify some on the subject of NR vs. Narcissistic personalities.

There is a huge difference between the two. They are NOT the same thing. Narcissistic reality talks about how our lives tend to be focused on the things that are within our sensory perception and how we have a biological, mental, and emotional need to deal with only the things that are directly giving us input at any given time.

A narcissistic personality is very different. In my NR piece I mentioned removing the negative connotation of the word narcissism. When I say this I am only referring to when you are thinking about narcissistic reality theory.

I would like to make it very clear that there is absolutely a negative meaning for the word narcissist and it is very valid. Allow me to take a moment to cover narcissistic personality.

I grew up with a brother who is a sociopath. He is the very text book definition of a dangerous, abusive narcissist. He sees people as objects, things to be manipulated and/or used for his own gain. He sees people in terms of what they can do for him, what they can provide him, and what he can get out of them. He is a dangerous liar. He is abusive emotionally. He lives in a totally non-realistic world where everything exists as an object. Nobody has valid feelings or concerns and nobody but him is right PERIOD.

I do NOT condone in any way narcissistic people. It is VERY important for you to be on the lookout for these individuals. There are a number of tell tale signs that you have run into a sociopath or an abusive narcissist (I think it is important to point out that not ALL narcissists are abusive).

Here is a link to more information on how to identify a sociopath or narcissistic abuser.

Below is a list of things I use to identify a sociopath from my experience. I would also like to add if you suspect you are with a sociopath right now and would like someone to talk to please feel free to send an e-mail to the ask Kaspr! address. I would be happy to have a private, non-public, discussion with you and give you guidance and provide resources to help you change your situation.

1) These people tend to have experiences that are ALWAYS similar to yours. Anything you talk about they will have similar experiences but their experience will always one up yours.

2) They tend to try convince you that you have issues but that they can help you with them with their sensitive insight.

3) They tend to seem overly helpful, overly kind, overly trusting and overly sharing. In short, you will find yourslef thinking they are too good to be true.

4) In my experience they are ALWAYS right…in their own mind. They tell lies and give bogus facts to back up their positions even in the face of concrete evidence that they are lying.

5) They tend to see “how the world operates” in a very unrealistic way.

6) They take, very appreciatively, and take and take and take and take until you have nothing left to give. Then when you need their help they disappear.

Of course there are many other things but these are the tell tale signs I have experienced in the 40 years that I have been related to a sociopath.

I want to be very clear that NOBODY should accept being abused by a narcissist or otherwise. You need to be careful with these people and watch out for them.

Again, I cannot be clear enough, you do not want to change your definition of narcissism permanently, you just need to step away from the negative connotations of the word when you are thinking about narcissistic reality. We all live in one. The trick is, living in a narcissistic reality does NOT mean you are a narcissist. I have a lot of friends who I have met over the last few years who, like me, live in a narcissistic reality but most certainly are NOT narcissists nor abusers.

Now as a closing though, I would like to apologize to any of my friends or readers who were offended or felt slighted by my post on NR. By no means did I intend to say being an abusive narcissist is ok. It most certainly is not and you deserve every ounce of respect and love that everyone else does.

My sincerest apologies to all of you for not clarifying earlier. I love every single one of you and I hope my post did not offend, hurt or make you feel slighted in anyway. That was most certainly not my intention.

Peace, love and happiness always,

K