This popped into my head as an important topic as I was recently hurt by someone I care about. Believe me, my friends, I know what it feels like to be hurt. As a hyper-emotional individual, I get hurt easily and often.
I try to take responsibility for my reactions to things. I always analyze my feelings and their origin before allowing myself to have a reaction to them. Believe me this is not an easy task.
There are a few things you should keep in mind when deciding to voice your hurt to your partner.
First and foremost, you need to remember that 99 times out of 100, your partner did not deliberately do what they did to hurt you. I know this is much easier said than done when you are hurt. You are experiencing feelings of anger, sadness, depression, betrayal, neglect, or something else negative and powerful. The reason you need to remember this is because the actions you take when you are hurt do not erase themselves when you feel better. It is very easy to fall into a trap where you say or do something that is hurtful and you end up regretting it later. Unfortunately, by that point, it can never be taken back. Trust me, you will never regret not having said something hateful or hurtful to your partner.
First and foremost, you need to remember that 99 times out of 100, your partner did not deliberately do what they did to hurt you.
Secondly, take time to assess how you are really feeling. A lot of the time, the feelings you perceive at the onset are not the same feelings you realize you have later; they are more like symptoms. For instance, right after you get hurt you will usually experience anger and sadness. After a few hours, or a day, you might find that the real problem was a feeling of abandonment, slight, or disregard. It is extremely important when communicating your hurt to your partner that you first understand what it is you are feeling. I know it sounds silly, but you might be surprised at how this turns out for you. We all misidentify our emotions at one time or another. What makes you emotionally advanced is knowing this and taking the time to evaluate.
We all misidentify our emotions at one time or another. What makes you emotionally advanced is knowing this and taking the time to evaluate.
Third, you need to address your partner calmly with respect and compassion. This is going to be emotional for both of you. This does not mean you cannot cry, get upset, or express yourself; it means you need to be honest about how you are feeling and try to remember that your partner is going to have feelings too. In a lot of cases, those feelings are not going to be good. They are going to, in all likelihood, feel bad for hurting you. I think you will find it is easier to express how you feel when you keep the feelings of your partner in mind as you communicate. If nothing else, it will serve as an example of how to interact without hurting someone when you have an issue. I have said it before and I will say it again: “hurt people, hurt people.”
Fourth, take responsibility. It is very rare when something wrong in a relationship is caused by a single party. Take responsibility for your feelings. Take responsibility for the reactions you have. Maybe instead of “this is how you made me feel,” you could try “because I have been through X, I tend to be like Y and when you behave like you did yesterday it hurts me, and I don’t like being hurt by or angry at you, let’s figure out how we can work together to keep this from happening again.” Just because you take responsibility for your part or your emotions does not mean that you are conceding the right to hurt you to your partner. It shows that you have taken the time to evaluate your feelings. It shows that you have considered their feelings and respect them. I know this sounds new age but the fact is, if you work things out and take responsibility, you can spend more time having sex instead of arguing. I think most people would like that.
Just because you take responsibility for your part or your emotions does not mean that you are conceding the right to hurt you to your partner. It shows that you have taken the time to evaluate your feelings.
Fifth, make sure you are willing to do your part to help your partner heal or change. If it is a one-time thing and it does not happen again, great. Let it go and get past it. You have dealt with it, your partner understands how they made you feel, and it is time to just let it go and be forgotten. It is just another piece of who you are. If there is something that needs to be changed, offer to help. Offer to do what you can, in a healthy way, to make it easier for them to change. See if there is a behavior you can change in compromise that will make it easier for them to make adjustments. Also, no matter what, don’t forget to give them time to work on it. Not many things or people change overnight.
Your partner needs to know that you expect to be hurt by them. Let them know you do not expect them to be perfect, and when they hurt you, you still love them anyway.
Finally and most importantly, make sure your partner knows how much you love, respect, and cherish them. Your partner needs to know that you expect to be hurt by them. Let them know you do not expect them to be perfect, and when they hurt you, you still love them anyway (assuming you still do). You can be supportive while you are asserting yourself. You can be supportive while telling your partner you do not like their behavior and it hurts you. Being supportive is all about letting the other person know that regardless of whether or not you agree or feel the same as they do, you still love and respect them.
Think about how you would like your partner to come to you when they have a problem with you. Next, take the time to think about how they like to have issues brought up to them and then to do the best you can to respect everyone’s wishes.
Remember, don’t hide how you feel. When you are hurt and sweep it under the rug it may stop hurting but it does not stop festering and eventually, it will come out later and be thrown on the pile in an argument and that is not a good thing to do to someone you love.
Peace, love and happiness always,