Without admitting something is broken…how can you fix it?

Wow, it really feels bad to admit that there is a problem in your relationship doesn’t it? I assure you for a lot of people it does indeed feel very bad. Like somehow you are failing or are substandard. Like your relationship is not good enough or somehow not as good as others.

Let me assure you of something else, you could not be more wrong. In fact, quite the opposite is actually true. Admitting there is a problem in your relationship actually means that you are far ahead of the game. Now if your partner admits there is an issue then you are even further ahead.

The most important part is to talk about it. Again, there is absolutely nothing wrong with admitting that there is a problem. Without admitting something is broken, how can you fix it?

You see once you and your partner have agreed that there is indeed an issue, there are many things that you can do to work through your problems. Some problems might be small enough to talk through. Others might take doing some exercises or one of you reminding the other pretty regularly until it becomes a habit. Then there are others that will require you to go to counseling.

Going to counseling is ok. A counselor can do a lot to help both of you through the issues that you are experiencing. You see, the thing you have to keep in mind is that nothing is one sided. There are always two participants in a disagreement.

It is not about placing blame. It is not about one of you being wrong and the other being right. It is about identifying the issue and working to change whatever is causing it no matter what side the problems are on (almost always on both). It is about two people working through issues because they want to continue to be a part of each others lives. You see, hurt people, hurt people, plain and simple. Try to remember that the things that are happening are almost always a result of past experiences. After all we are a sum total of the things we experience in our lives. For instance, I am extremely sensitive because of my past which makes me very hard to be in a relationship with because to me, from a loved one, words are like bricks. You can either use them to help build a good emotional home or you can use them to beat someone over the head and hurt them. This means that whoever is in a relationship with me is going to have to be very self aware and aware of the world around them or it is going to seem like I am constantly hurt.

When the person I am in a relationship with hurts me, I try to remember that hurt people, hurt people. This allows me to express to the person that they hurt me and begin the process of working it out. Remember, it is easier to treat a mosquito bite than an abscess. Don’t let your bite turn into an abscess.

Don’t let your relationship slip away over something as silly as refusing to admit there is a problem. A lot of the time you will find that one partner thinks there is a problem and the other partner is unaware of it. This is why you have to have the communication I was talking about in this article.

Trust your partner, don’t be afraid to talk to them. If you need to, explain to them that you are talking about this because you love them, love being with them, and want that time going forward to as happy and loving as you possibly can.

You won’t regret it.

Peace, love and happiness always,

K

We all have times of weakness…today it was my turn!

ExplodingHeadScannersHello everyone. This is one of those posts I really prefer not to write. When I start out with that phrase, it means I screwed up. I don’t think anyone likes to screw up, least of all, me. I have very high standards for myself these days and it irks me a little bit that I let this happen today.

A few days ago I posted a photo of a sticker that was being posted on certain local businesses here in Austin. The only thing I said was “WOW” and posted the photo. I wrote only that comment because I had no idea what the purpose of the sticker was or how it got there. I just felt like people should see it. To be honest I didn’t even have an opinion on it because I knew nothing about it.

Well as it turns out it was part of an anti-gentrification campaign here in Austin. In my opinion it was a horribly executed campaign. That is just my opinion and in the grand scheme of things, it does not amount to a hill of beans but it is mine nonetheless.

As it turns out apparently I have a good friend in common with the person who placed the stickers. My friend, who I will call Jane since I have not asked if I could write about her, posted an article about the stickers on Facebook today. I saw the article and I wrote a simple comment…”This was horribly executed”.

Well, apparently the person who placed the stickers saw my comment and decided to chime into the discussion. In a comment dripping with condescension, he pointed me toward an interview he did and ordered me to listen to it so I could adjust my beliefs to be more in line with his. He also took the time to order Jane to talk to me to “explain” what was going on to me because I obviously did not understand.

To make a long story short, I imploded then went supernova, my own personal big bang. My comment went from that one line to a long string of expletives and insults in less than a microsecond. I was fucking pissed off and honestly had every right to be.

I don’t know why but I took his horrible tone and demeanor to heart without considering the source. Without considering what he had been through in his life. Without considering the fact that he has obviously experienced trauma in his life and has not been able to deal with it properly. In short, I forgot he has a history and life of his own. Shit…that is in chapter one of my book.

Today, I yet again, gave someone else the power to put me into an emotional state I did not want to be in. He triggered me plain and simple. The fastest way to anger me is to speak to me like I am a 6 year old who needs to have things mansplained or kidsplained.

I am an adult. I have the ability to reason, think critically, and form my own decisions based on facts and my personal observations and experience. It angers me when people speak to me like I am a dullard or ignorant. In fact, I can think of few things that anger me more. That is something I need to work on. I think in that area, on some level, I am still seeking validation and I have no need to. I know the only validation that matters is my own. I digress.

I am a little disappointed that it took almost two hours after hitting that emotional state to calm down and realize I had flown off the handle. I am a bit disappointed that it took me that long to realize that he is just acting out from the damage he has experienced in his life. Rather ironically, he probably spoke to me like that for the same reason I verbally exploded at him…he was looking for validation and I gave him the exact opposite. I still completely disagree with him and stand firmly on my opinion, I just need to remember that he is still stuck in the rabbit hole.

The occurrences of today made me ask a very important question. How can I help anyone else achieve a more enlightened state of mind when I have breakdowns like this? Aren’t I supposed to have all my shit together all of the time and never make a mistake? Isn’t that what leaders and teachers do?

I gave this some thought and arrived at a very important conclusion. I realized, it is extremely important for me to share my failures with you. During our journey toward enlightenment we are all going to fail multiple times without warning. I don’t want anyone to think I am perfect. I want them to see the truth, that I am an individual who makes mistakes just like everyone else does. I am average Joe.

I think it is important that you all know and remember that I am having the same issues on my journey that you are on yours and together, I think we can work through them and all continue our journey to a long, happy, loving, healthy life successfully.

One more thing, remember, when you fail, when you fall, when you screw up, don’t beat yourself up. Step back, analyze, make adjustments, implement them and move on. Don’t forget to admit and accept them as well. It will be just another step on the path to happiness and will help others around you be a little happier too. Joy seems to be contagious. More on that in another post.

 

Peace, love, and happiness always,

K

Having a body of glass

glass-female-body-sculptureHello everyone. I think it is time I start to address the concept of having a body of glass. Those of you that know me personally already know I am a sensitive. I pick things up from people and the world around that have/are/are going to happen.

This is NOT an easy way to live. In a lot of cases sensitives find themselves overwhelmed in social situations. We are usually overwhelmed without warning and in a major way.

Because of this, sensitives usually have to have some sort of defense mechanism when we are going out. We need to be cautious of the emotional situations we are getting into.

Well, I have heard the term “body of glass” many times. I always thought it was a load of crap to be honest. How could a sensitive person just let everything pass through them?

I should take a moment and describe the idea of having a body of glass. In short, it is the idea that, in your mind, you are going to let everything you feel, hear, see, smell, and taste pass through you and you choose what to hold on to.

This sounds much easier than it is. To be honest, when you first achieve this state of mind it feels rather aloof. You find yourself traveling through the world feeling as if you are not actually a part of it. This feeling passes quickly though and when it does a feeling of calm and serenity washes over you in even the most intense of spaces.

I achieved this state of mind for the first time only recently. It took me a while to figure out how I achieved it. I had to sort of reverse engineer the state of mind as I stumbled into it quite by accident.

The secret for me was making sure I knew what I was getting into, that I was sure that in all likelihood I could not be hurt, and I was out in public, in the crowds, with people I care about and love very much who also feel the same about me.

Before I left I took the time to do a short meditation. I was able to plug into my inner brain and remind myself, no, convince myself that I was not going to be hurt, that I was with people I loved, and that almost no matter what happened, when it was over, life would go back to normal.

We ventured out and as we were walking along the street I realized that even though there were hundreds if not thousands of people out, I was not worried, I was not in fear, and I was not overwhelmed by all the feelings of the people around me.

I could still see them. I could still hear them. I could still feel them but things passed through me, they did not stick like usual and take residence in my mind or in my energy field.

In short, what I did was make the decision that no matter what I experienced I was going to enjoy it and appreciate it for exactly what it was, an experience. This allowed me to get into a state of mind that I am now calling the participating observer.

When you are in participating observer mode you have made up your mind that you are going to be a part of the action but that you are not going to let that action or the energy associated with it reside inside you or your field of energy. When you do this, you really are, just making up your mind that no matter what happens you are going to enjoy yourself and the experience you are about to have.

I think you might be surprised at how many things about your life you can change just by making up your mind firmly to change it and then being that change.

Try the body of glass idea next time you are going out into an intense situation. Do a quick 15 minute meditation and think about the fact that you are not going to be hurt, you may not enjoy everything about it, but that whatever you experience in relationship to your function or whatever it is you are doing is going to have value going forward, even if that value is only witnessing something you did not enjoy and remembering to appreciate the experience and having it so that you can use it to relate to how awesome the better things to come are when they arrive.

Peace, love and happiness always,

K

ALERT: We have detected unauthorized touching!!

I saw a term not too long ago that made me sad. That term was mantouching.

I never even realized there was a term for this. What it refers to is the sad fact that a large portion of men feel entitled to touch women. I had to sit and think about it for a moment. Does this really happen? Is it really as bad as it seems?

Yes, it does happen, yes, it is as bad as it seems. The short version is, nobody should ever touch anyone else without their permission period. Your body is yours and you should be the one who decides who comes in contact with it and who does not.

Men, we need to think before we do things. Especially when it comes to women. Women are one of many groups who have been struggling for equality. Unfortunately, part of that equality they have had to fight for is autonomy over their own body. How sad is that?

Men, I think it is time we stood up, did some self evaluation and started to behave in a more appropriate manner.

Sit and think for a moment. I am sure at some time in your life you have had someone touch you that you did not want to touch you. It does not feel good. It gives you that creepy violated feeling.

We need to be sure we are not creating that feeling in others. Think before you act. Think before you touch someone. Ask yourself some questions. Does this person want to be touched? Is this appropriate? Should I ask if I can touch them? What will I do if they say no.

People, not just men, we need to start thinking about how our actions effect others. We need to start thinking about the feelings we are evoking in others. Maybe that young lady does not want you to touch her hand. Maybe this lady doesn’t want your arm around her or your hand on her shoulder. Maybe that young man does not want a pat on the back.

It is very easy for us to forget that not all people have the same preferences we do. It is very easy for us to forget the things we do may evoke different and unpleasant actions in others.

Let’s all take a day and really spend some time analyzing how the things we do effect the world around us and make the changes that need to be made in our behaviors.

 

Peace, love, and happiness always,

 

K