We all have times of weakness…today it was my turn!

ExplodingHeadScannersHello everyone. This is one of those posts I really prefer not to write. When I start out with that phrase, it means I screwed up. I don’t think anyone likes to screw up, least of all, me. I have very high standards for myself these days and it irks me a little bit that I let this happen today.

A few days ago I posted a photo of a sticker that was being posted on certain local businesses here in Austin. The only thing I said was “WOW” and posted the photo. I wrote only that comment because I had no idea what the purpose of the sticker was or how it got there. I just felt like people should see it. To be honest I didn’t even have an opinion on it because I knew nothing about it.

Well as it turns out it was part of an anti-gentrification campaign here in Austin. In my opinion it was a horribly executed campaign. That is just my opinion and in the grand scheme of things, it does not amount to a hill of beans but it is mine nonetheless.

As it turns out apparently I have a good friend in common with the person who placed the stickers. My friend, who I will call Jane since I have not asked if I could write about her, posted an article about the stickers on Facebook today. I saw the article and I wrote a simple comment…”This was horribly executed”.

Well, apparently the person who placed the stickers saw my comment and decided to chime into the discussion. In a comment dripping with condescension, he pointed me toward an interview he did and ordered me to listen to it so I could adjust my beliefs to be more in line with his. He also took the time to order Jane to talk to me to “explain” what was going on to me because I obviously did not understand.

To make a long story short, I imploded then went supernova, my own personal big bang. My comment went from that one line to a long string of expletives and insults in less than a microsecond. I was fucking pissed off and honestly had every right to be.

I don’t know why but I took his horrible tone and demeanor to heart without considering the source. Without considering what he had been through in his life. Without considering the fact that he has obviously experienced trauma in his life and has not been able to deal with it properly. In short, I forgot he has a history and life of his own. Shit…that is in chapter one of my book.

Today, I yet again, gave someone else the power to put me into an emotional state I did not want to be in. He triggered me plain and simple. The fastest way to anger me is to speak to me like I am a 6 year old who needs to have things mansplained or kidsplained.

I am an adult. I have the ability to reason, think critically, and form my own decisions based on facts and my personal observations and experience. It angers me when people speak to me like I am a dullard or ignorant. In fact, I can think of few things that anger me more. That is something I need to work on. I think in that area, on some level, I am still seeking validation and I have no need to. I know the only validation that matters is my own. I digress.

I am a little disappointed that it took almost two hours after hitting that emotional state to calm down and realize I had flown off the handle. I am a bit disappointed that it took me that long to realize that he is just acting out from the damage he has experienced in his life. Rather ironically, he probably spoke to me like that for the same reason I verbally exploded at him…he was looking for validation and I gave him the exact opposite. I still completely disagree with him and stand firmly on my opinion, I just need to remember that he is still stuck in the rabbit hole.

The occurrences of today made me ask a very important question. How can I help anyone else achieve a more enlightened state of mind when I have breakdowns like this? Aren’t I supposed to have all my shit together all of the time and never make a mistake? Isn’t that what leaders and teachers do?

I gave this some thought and arrived at a very important conclusion. I realized, it is extremely important for me to share my failures with you. During our journey toward enlightenment we are all going to fail multiple times without warning. I don’t want anyone to think I am perfect. I want them to see the truth, that I am an individual who makes mistakes just like everyone else does. I am average Joe.

I think it is important that you all know and remember that I am having the same issues on my journey that you are on yours and together, I think we can work through them and all continue our journey to a long, happy, loving, healthy life successfully.

One more thing, remember, when you fail, when you fall, when you screw up, don’t beat yourself up. Step back, analyze, make adjustments, implement them and move on. Don’t forget to admit and accept them as well. It will be just another step on the path to happiness and will help others around you be a little happier too. Joy seems to be contagious. More on that in another post.

 

Peace, love, and happiness always,

K