Ladies…Where are the men you are looking for?

Hello everyone, I hope this finds you well. I have a story to tell and some advice to give that I think may turn you on to a whole new world of possibilities in relationships.

Recently I reconnected with a friend who I had, had a bit of a falling out with. We worked things out and we have seen each other a couple of times since. We have been talking about his relationship. He has been seeing the same girl for two years now, but it has been a long- distance relationship.

Neither of them particularly want to move from where they are. My friend came up with a great compromise: why don’t you move to Austin for a year or two, to make sure we are compatible, and then I will move back to your town with you and we can stay there and build a family?

His girlfriend quickly tabled that discussion. This made my friend suspect that she meant no, but was unwilling to say it.

This led to a conversation about how awesome my friend circle is and how my life had changed since meeting everyone who is now a part of it.

The discussion then morphed into whether it was better to (a) settle for what you currently have that does not make you go “holy shit” but satisfies in general what you are looking for, or (b) going for the “holy shit” lusty type of relationship knowing there is a risk of not finding it.

I explained I had went for the latter and found it. Hindsight being 20/20, it was far beyond worth the risk. I also explained that he is the type of person I would be willing to introduce to my friend circle which would give him an above-average chance of finding what he is looking for.

I explained that we know literally a dozen or more eligible single women who are intelligent, open-minded, accepting, and empowered. Women who are looking for a committed partner but are having terrible dating experiences.

My friend then said something that made a lot of sense, “The problem is all the cool people are on the couch.” This sounds strange, like laziness promotion, but let me explain what he meant. You see, I was him almost 4 years ago so I know exactly what he meant.

Guys like he and I are the ones that all of our single female friends are looking for. Emotionally available, looking for partner to share with, adventurous, willing to settle into that adventure, but most of all, wanting to share his life with someone.

There is more though. Guys like he and I have a lot of respect for the other people in our lives. We are sensitive and caring. We are aware of how our actions affect others. This ends up with us being terrified of ever being called or perceived as “that guy.”

Ladies, we long to be with you. We long to have you as a partner. The guys you want are out there and they are still single. I promise you it is true. I was one of them and I have a lot of friends who are the same way.

The problem is, we are so terrified of being labeled “that guy” that we do not put ourselves out there. We would rather spend the rest of our lives alone than ever be perceived in that light.

We don’t know how to approach you. And it’s not because we aren’t confident, but because we know other asshat guys have bugged you to death and it feels to us like we are doing it too. We just don’t know how or when to approach you because of our fear of coming off like a jerk.

Let me give you an example. For me, one of the worst rejections I ever had, the one that put me over the edge, was in high school. I asked a girl I had known for months on a date. We had been talking in class for weeks, we had fun, we laughed, we carried on and had a great time. It felt like we had grown really close. We hugged hello and goodbye. She would put her hand on my arm when she was talking to me. We had never talked about her having a boyfriend or me having a girlfriend.

I assumed that after months she would have mentioned a boyfriend. I figured she was okay with touching me and I felt comfortable touching her. We laughed and had fun. We seemed to enjoy being around each other. I decided I wanted more and got up the courage to ask her out.

I finally did. Her response was that she would love to but she had a boyfriend. It was nothing she did, but I immediately felt like the biggest pile of shit you can imagine. In my mind, for some reason, I had become “that guy” who tries to pick up on other guys’ girlfriends. I was in the friend zone and didn’t know it.

I decided then and there that I was never going to be that guy again. What ended up happening was I became a relationship recluse. I decided that since I was obviously bad at reading signs, I did not want to make that mistake again.  I would just not put myself out there and maybe something would at some point happen by accident.

Ladies, I’m telling you there are literally thousands of these guys out there. There are literally thousands of guys just like my friend and I out there who are not putting themselves out there where you are looking for them.

This is why finding love where you are looking is much more the exception than the rule. The reason why is because “couch guy” that my friend was talking about IS the droid you are looking for.

Here is the entire point of my story. The guy you are looking for is most likely not the guy in the photo. He is most likely not the guy with the statistics that match your requirements. He is most likely not the guy who answered the OK Cupid questions you wanted him to in the way you wanted him to.

You want to know who he is? Here is the secret. Here is where he is. He is the guy eating at a table by himself in the restaurant. He is the guy who is buying s small amount of groceries in line behind you. He is the guy who just dropped off only men’s clothes at the cleaners you use. He is the guy buying running shoes alone in the store.

Do you understand what I am saying? I keep saying to all of my wonderful female friends that you are all looking in the wrong place. The men you are looking for do not generally put themselves out there where you are looking and we most certainly do not respond to your profiles because it takes too much out of us to write a heartfelt message and receive no response. This is usually what happens to us. If we write something more generic and mass mail it then we are “that guy.” That is why we don’t use those services that you are looking for us on.

Simply put, we do not hang out in the places you are looking.

If you want to find us, look for us in line at Walgreens. Look for us sitting alone in Chipotle. Talk to us on the bus. Stop us on the sidewalk. If you see us in the park say hello.

Ladies, we are right in front of you. We are right under your nose in plain sight. The problem is, because of our fear, you have to pick us up with a tractor or hit on us with a hammer. That brings us out of our shell.

If you take the risk to crack the shell no matter what it looks like, you might be stunned at how good the nut on the inside looks, feels and tastes.

I also need to tell you that you need to, in your heart of hearts, deep down be okay with the fact that there is a chance you could finish life single. As soon as you accept that, that means you are happy with who you are and love – truly love – your life. Only then will you also be able to truly share with and have a partner. If you find yourself longing for a relationship then you may need to evaluate where that longing is coming from and make sure that your life is really as complete and happy as it seems. Do a lot of introspection and make sure that is what you really want and that it is not a desire to cure loneliness etc.

I’m telling you though, don’t lose hope. Start looking right in front of you. There are thousands of us right under your nose. We are all over, you may have to approach us at first but trust me, when you find the right one, and we see that clear signal, we will have no problem taking the lead and joining you on an amazing journey of love, partnership, adventure and sharing.

Peace, love and happiness always,

K