It’s not about what the other person is looking for…

It is about being who you are and finding a partner who likes whatever it is you are. That is the simple and honest truth about finding a partner. There is no arguing here. This is reality and we all live in it.

I just finished watching a documentary about “in-cels” (Involuntary Celibates) and “PUAs” (Pick Up Artists) called Shy Boys. To be honest it made me really angry. I felt really bad for the guys who seemed to have a ton of problems with women. I got angry at the PUA morons who act like there is some magic pussy skeleton key. What really angered me about their behavior is the fact that they could not even seem to grasp that what these guys were looking for is a girlfriend not a one-night stand or a club hookup.

My heart really went out to the troubled guys. I listened to them call themselves ugly, unattractive, and a host of other things. A lot of self deprecation there. It was really interesting to listen to all of them talk about what women wanted.

The PUA guys spent all their time talking about how women all want muscles, sharp clothes, and good looking guys. They did not mention one single word about vulnerability, decency, partnership, respect, commitment, or anything that would define a classic healthy relationship.

Right about the time I started thinking that the PUA guys were trying to show them something they did not want, one of the troubled guys spoke up and said he did not think he and his friends were looking for the same thing that the PUA guys were.

I almost broke out in song and dance. Finally a troubled guy who sees through the PUA bullshit! I realized, these guys actually have a chance and that their biggest obstacle is themselves.

I think their biggest obstacle is that they have no self confidence. Their second biggest obstacle is they spend all their time trying to figure out what women want so they can transform themselves into whatever singular thing that is.

What they do not realize is they are setting themselves up for failure by thinking that way. We all do this at one time or another. We think there is some magic mold we can cram ourselves into that will instantly unlock the cock locker or pussy palace.

The truth is what the other side is “looking for” is completely irrelevant. What they do not realize is, is that the key to finding a relationship and love does not lie in making yourself into something else. It lies in accepting what you are and finding a partner who likes whatever that is.

If you spend your life trying to cram yourself into a mold to make other people like you, or make other people happy, all you are going to do is set yourself up for a miserable existence where you do not know if people like you for who you are or who you are pretending to be.

Trust me, I know this to be true from experience. I lived it myself for well over a decade. I realized I was changing; I was becoming who I was on the inside on the outside. But the problem was I was with someone who loved who they thought I was instead of who I really was. That was because I didn’t even know who I was.

Now though, at 40 years of age, I have figured out that it is all about loving who you are, accepting who you are (flaws included), and finding someone who likes whatever and whoever you are.

This does not mean you have to like everything about yourself, you just need to realize that what you are is what you are and whatever it is, is ok. As soon as you are able to do that, you will find you are more comfortable around potential partners and will eventually run into one who can’t get enough of whatever the hell it is you are.

Peace, love, and happiness always,

K

Ladies…Where are the men you are looking for?

Hello everyone, I hope this finds you well. I have a story to tell and some advice to give that I think may turn you on to a whole new world of possibilities in relationships.

Recently I reconnected with a friend who I had, had a bit of a falling out with. We worked things out and we have seen each other a couple of times since. We have been talking about his relationship. He has been seeing the same girl for two years now, but it has been a long- distance relationship.

Neither of them particularly want to move from where they are. My friend came up with a great compromise: why don’t you move to Austin for a year or two, to make sure we are compatible, and then I will move back to your town with you and we can stay there and build a family?

His girlfriend quickly tabled that discussion. This made my friend suspect that she meant no, but was unwilling to say it.

This led to a conversation about how awesome my friend circle is and how my life had changed since meeting everyone who is now a part of it.

The discussion then morphed into whether it was better to (a) settle for what you currently have that does not make you go “holy shit” but satisfies in general what you are looking for, or (b) going for the “holy shit” lusty type of relationship knowing there is a risk of not finding it.

I explained I had went for the latter and found it. Hindsight being 20/20, it was far beyond worth the risk. I also explained that he is the type of person I would be willing to introduce to my friend circle which would give him an above-average chance of finding what he is looking for.

I explained that we know literally a dozen or more eligible single women who are intelligent, open-minded, accepting, and empowered. Women who are looking for a committed partner but are having terrible dating experiences.

My friend then said something that made a lot of sense, “The problem is all the cool people are on the couch.” This sounds strange, like laziness promotion, but let me explain what he meant. You see, I was him almost 4 years ago so I know exactly what he meant.

Guys like he and I are the ones that all of our single female friends are looking for. Emotionally available, looking for partner to share with, adventurous, willing to settle into that adventure, but most of all, wanting to share his life with someone.

There is more though. Guys like he and I have a lot of respect for the other people in our lives. We are sensitive and caring. We are aware of how our actions affect others. This ends up with us being terrified of ever being called or perceived as “that guy.”

Ladies, we long to be with you. We long to have you as a partner. The guys you want are out there and they are still single. I promise you it is true. I was one of them and I have a lot of friends who are the same way.

The problem is, we are so terrified of being labeled “that guy” that we do not put ourselves out there. We would rather spend the rest of our lives alone than ever be perceived in that light.

We don’t know how to approach you. And it’s not because we aren’t confident, but because we know other asshat guys have bugged you to death and it feels to us like we are doing it too. We just don’t know how or when to approach you because of our fear of coming off like a jerk.

Let me give you an example. For me, one of the worst rejections I ever had, the one that put me over the edge, was in high school. I asked a girl I had known for months on a date. We had been talking in class for weeks, we had fun, we laughed, we carried on and had a great time. It felt like we had grown really close. We hugged hello and goodbye. She would put her hand on my arm when she was talking to me. We had never talked about her having a boyfriend or me having a girlfriend.

I assumed that after months she would have mentioned a boyfriend. I figured she was okay with touching me and I felt comfortable touching her. We laughed and had fun. We seemed to enjoy being around each other. I decided I wanted more and got up the courage to ask her out.

I finally did. Her response was that she would love to but she had a boyfriend. It was nothing she did, but I immediately felt like the biggest pile of shit you can imagine. In my mind, for some reason, I had become “that guy” who tries to pick up on other guys’ girlfriends. I was in the friend zone and didn’t know it.

I decided then and there that I was never going to be that guy again. What ended up happening was I became a relationship recluse. I decided that since I was obviously bad at reading signs, I did not want to make that mistake again.  I would just not put myself out there and maybe something would at some point happen by accident.

Ladies, I’m telling you there are literally thousands of these guys out there. There are literally thousands of guys just like my friend and I out there who are not putting themselves out there where you are looking for them.

This is why finding love where you are looking is much more the exception than the rule. The reason why is because “couch guy” that my friend was talking about IS the droid you are looking for.

Here is the entire point of my story. The guy you are looking for is most likely not the guy in the photo. He is most likely not the guy with the statistics that match your requirements. He is most likely not the guy who answered the OK Cupid questions you wanted him to in the way you wanted him to.

You want to know who he is? Here is the secret. Here is where he is. He is the guy eating at a table by himself in the restaurant. He is the guy who is buying s small amount of groceries in line behind you. He is the guy who just dropped off only men’s clothes at the cleaners you use. He is the guy buying running shoes alone in the store.

Do you understand what I am saying? I keep saying to all of my wonderful female friends that you are all looking in the wrong place. The men you are looking for do not generally put themselves out there where you are looking and we most certainly do not respond to your profiles because it takes too much out of us to write a heartfelt message and receive no response. This is usually what happens to us. If we write something more generic and mass mail it then we are “that guy.” That is why we don’t use those services that you are looking for us on.

Simply put, we do not hang out in the places you are looking.

If you want to find us, look for us in line at Walgreens. Look for us sitting alone in Chipotle. Talk to us on the bus. Stop us on the sidewalk. If you see us in the park say hello.

Ladies, we are right in front of you. We are right under your nose in plain sight. The problem is, because of our fear, you have to pick us up with a tractor or hit on us with a hammer. That brings us out of our shell.

If you take the risk to crack the shell no matter what it looks like, you might be stunned at how good the nut on the inside looks, feels and tastes.

I also need to tell you that you need to, in your heart of hearts, deep down be okay with the fact that there is a chance you could finish life single. As soon as you accept that, that means you are happy with who you are and love – truly love – your life. Only then will you also be able to truly share with and have a partner. If you find yourself longing for a relationship then you may need to evaluate where that longing is coming from and make sure that your life is really as complete and happy as it seems. Do a lot of introspection and make sure that is what you really want and that it is not a desire to cure loneliness etc.

I’m telling you though, don’t lose hope. Start looking right in front of you. There are thousands of us right under your nose. We are all over, you may have to approach us at first but trust me, when you find the right one, and we see that clear signal, we will have no problem taking the lead and joining you on an amazing journey of love, partnership, adventure and sharing.

Peace, love and happiness always,

K

Is it important to support the people you care about?

You bet your sweet ass it is. I know someone who is having a hard time right now. She has a business that is starting to grow by itself. It is a controversial field and she is an introvert. She does NOT like to be in the spotlight.

The problem is, the very nature of her business is going to do exactly that. In all likelihood in a very major way and fast to boot. We have had long talks about the fear. It is very real and serious for her.

I realized in providing support today, how important it was for me to impress this upon you. I told her that I would be there for her through thick and thin. Of course there was a lot more detail than that but that is not important.

What is important is that I talk about how much value you can add to the lives of those you care about by supporting them in the things they do. You can empower them to achieve their goals simply by letting them know you care whether or not they succeed and that should something go wrong you will be there to help them through it in whatever way you can.

We all have fears. At times they keep us from achieving the things we set out to do. When we are supported by our peers and loved ones it can make taking that leap seem a lot less scary.

It is much easier to reach for the stars if you know there will be someone there to help catch you if you fall or at least dust off, pick up, and continue moving forward. By supporting our peers and loved ones we bond with them. We create interpersonal relationships that last a lifetime, we create a partnerships that are greater than the sum of their parts.

Take the time today to sit down and think about your friends, family, and acquaintances. Try to think of ways you can be supportive of them. Maybe not all of them at once but choose the one who needs it most and extend your hand in love and support.

You might just be surprised by how much stronger you feel from being strong for someone else.

Most importantly, don’t be afraid. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. We all have to take risks and sometimes we get hurt. Cherish the times you get hurt, they will make the successes that much sweeter.

Peace, love, and happiness always,

K

Without admitting something is broken…how can you fix it?

Wow, it really feels bad to admit that there is a problem in your relationship doesn’t it? I assure you for a lot of people it does indeed feel very bad. Like somehow you are failing or are substandard. Like your relationship is not good enough or somehow not as good as others.

Let me assure you of something else, you could not be more wrong. In fact, quite the opposite is actually true. Admitting there is a problem in your relationship actually means that you are far ahead of the game. Now if your partner admits there is an issue then you are even further ahead.

The most important part is to talk about it. Again, there is absolutely nothing wrong with admitting that there is a problem. Without admitting something is broken, how can you fix it?

You see once you and your partner have agreed that there is indeed an issue, there are many things that you can do to work through your problems. Some problems might be small enough to talk through. Others might take doing some exercises or one of you reminding the other pretty regularly until it becomes a habit. Then there are others that will require you to go to counseling.

Going to counseling is ok. A counselor can do a lot to help both of you through the issues that you are experiencing. You see, the thing you have to keep in mind is that nothing is one sided. There are always two participants in a disagreement.

It is not about placing blame. It is not about one of you being wrong and the other being right. It is about identifying the issue and working to change whatever is causing it no matter what side the problems are on (almost always on both). It is about two people working through issues because they want to continue to be a part of each others lives. You see, hurt people, hurt people, plain and simple. Try to remember that the things that are happening are almost always a result of past experiences. After all we are a sum total of the things we experience in our lives. For instance, I am extremely sensitive because of my past which makes me very hard to be in a relationship with because to me, from a loved one, words are like bricks. You can either use them to help build a good emotional home or you can use them to beat someone over the head and hurt them. This means that whoever is in a relationship with me is going to have to be very self aware and aware of the world around them or it is going to seem like I am constantly hurt.

When the person I am in a relationship with hurts me, I try to remember that hurt people, hurt people. This allows me to express to the person that they hurt me and begin the process of working it out. Remember, it is easier to treat a mosquito bite than an abscess. Don’t let your bite turn into an abscess.

Don’t let your relationship slip away over something as silly as refusing to admit there is a problem. A lot of the time you will find that one partner thinks there is a problem and the other partner is unaware of it. This is why you have to have the communication I was talking about in this article.

Trust your partner, don’t be afraid to talk to them. If you need to, explain to them that you are talking about this because you love them, love being with them, and want that time going forward to as happy and loving as you possibly can.

You won’t regret it.

Peace, love and happiness always,

K

The importance of communication in a relationship.

I saw someone post an article on Facebook today that talked about things women don’t tell men about sex but should.

Communication

I read the article and it had some good information in it. I didn’t agree with all of it but I am not a woman so I am going to take the feedback of the women at face value and believe their answers. After all, who would know more about being a woman than a woman?

Now where I started to get concerned was when I started to read the comments. I saw ridiculous comments that stated things like, the reason a circumcised man is less sensitive than a man with foreskin is because “The penis dries out and becomes less sensitive”. I could not believe my eyes. I had to read that comment three times to make sure I was really reading what it said.

Another comment that concerned me was a woman who said “We should not have to tell men what we want in bed, they should just figure it out on their own.”

You have got to be kidding me. Really?!?! You are going to promote less communication in a relationship? This made me realize that it may not be so obvious that communication in a relationship is important if not crucial.

First, let’s take a look at what we should be/need to be communicating. The answer here is simple although not always easy to do. Most importantly in a relationship, you need to communicate your feelings. This does not mean just happiness and joy. This also means love, sadness, anger and frustration as well.

If you expect your partner to “just know” you are going to find yourself “Just broken up”. It is not fair to expect either partner in a relationship, regardless of gender, to just know what the other is thinking or feeling. This does not apply just to romantic relationships either. This information applies to all personal relationships.

Don’t get me wrong there is responsibility on both sides of the fence. The person communicating needs to do so in a constructive and respectful way and the person listening needs to listen and take to heart what they are being told. Not as a negative, but as constructive criticism. Your partner is telling you how they feel because they want to be with you and have a happy relationship with you not because they dislike you or are trying to hurt you.

This is one of those strange things in relationships that feels bad or uncomfortable at times but is actually good. After all, if you do not tell someone what they are doing to piss you off, how can you expect them to fix it? At the same time if your partner gives you feedback, listen and try to work with them to figure out what the issue is. I think you will find that your partner is eager to work with you to get things worked out so everyone is happy.

Sometimes it is something very easy to fix. Other times it may land you talking to a relationship counselor. Either way, it is always best to talk about and deal with your issues so that nobody feels slighted in a relationship. Both partners in a relationship are entitled to have feelings. Acknowledging your partners feelings by listening to them and taking them to heart is always a good thing. You really do need to remember, again, that they are sharing these things because they love you and want to be with you.

The last point I would like to cover is sex. This may be one of the most important communication areas in a romantic relationship. Sadly, it is also one of the ones that is most often neglected or not dealt with at all.

In order for you to communicate with your partner during sex, first you need to know what you like or at least have a desire to experiment and figure it out.

Share this with your partner. Don’t be afraid to say “Hey it feels good when you touch me here” or “I like it when you do this with your tongue” or “Hey, it doesn’t feel so hot with teeth” or what have you. Sorry to be so graphic but these are EXACTLY the types of things that never get talked about. The silliest part is, the person we should all feel most comfortable talking to about this is our partners. I understand this is not always the case. If you do a little research you will find there is plenty of information available on activities you can do to help rebuild that closeness. I will write more on this later or perhaps invite a guest writer to cover the topic.

I recommend sharing your fantasies with each other, you might find out you have some in common. Don’t be afraid to experiment. If you try something and don’t like it, it is ok to say so.

Here is a good way to break the ice, human sex map…fill one of these out and share it with your partner. Ask them to fill one out and share theirs with you. When you find spots of interest that neither has tried…give them a try. I guarantee you will have fun and you might even find out you are meeting your partner for the first time in the bedroom 😉 Either way, make sure you take the time to talk about all of it :).

The point is, if you do not communicate with your partner, if you do not share your fears, courage, successes, failures, desires, and wishes with your partner, the chances of your relationship surviving, romantic or otherwise, are not good.

Give in, allow yourself to love and trust that your partner will love ALL of you. Trust them with your feelings and allow them to trust you with theirs. Just remember that comes with responsibilities in both directions too (more on that later). Take a chance, I personally guarantee that when you find the right person you will not care how many tries it took to find them.

I would like to close by saying, Be careful with other peoples hearts and reckless with your own. Fall in love with the world as often and as deeply as you can. Until just a few years ago I had no idea what that really meant.

Peace, love and happiness always,

K

What is a romantic relationship?

This is a question I have been asked many times over the last three years. The question usually comes in many forms. “How would you describe a relationship?” or “What does a relationship mean to you?”. In all of these cases the subject was romantic relationships so that is what I am going to talk about.

I think of a romantic relationship as if I was a mythical beast, impervious to anything and everything. I can only be harmed by one thing…this magic sword. When I am in a romantic relationship I give the magic sword…the only thing that can hurt me…to my partner with the understanding that I trust them not to use it to hurt or mame me.

I also look at a romantic relationship as if my partner was doing the same with me. I cherish their sword…the key to their heart. I lock it away in a safe place and carry it with me wherever I go as a reminder to never get involved with anything that would hurt them.

I do my best to not wield the sword. Sure, I have weak moments and screw up, we all do. The point is, I have been given this weapon that can destroy another human being and I choose not to use it.

This is, when you get down to it, the basic description of a partnership. Let’s be honest, a relationship, romantic or not, is a partnership and the only way a partnership can survive is with mutual respect, and proper communication.

Now when you add the word romantic, in my mind, you are adding sharing. Sharing of your most intimate details. Sharing of the mind, the body, and the heart. You are opening yourself to another. Letting them see not only the good, not only the benevolent, not only the loving but also the hurt, the damage, the bad, the ugly and allowing them to accept it as a part of you.

Only when you truly open yourself to another. Only when you truly show them who you really are, share your triumphs and failures, share your fears and courage, your tastes and distastes and give your partner the chance to accept them, can you experience true love.

And that folks, is how I define a romantic relationship. A partnership between two people that consists of trust, respect, loyalty, communication, acceptance and love. When you find all those things in a partner, and that partner brings those things out in you…hang onto them, tightly, and make sure they know how much you love and appreciate them.

Peace, love, and happiness always,

K