We all have times of weakness…today it was my turn!

ExplodingHeadScannersHello everyone. This is one of those posts I really prefer not to write. When I start out with that phrase, it means I screwed up. I don’t think anyone likes to screw up, least of all, me. I have very high standards for myself these days and it irks me a little bit that I let this happen today.

A few days ago I posted a photo of a sticker that was being posted on certain local businesses here in Austin. The only thing I said was “WOW” and posted the photo. I wrote only that comment because I had no idea what the purpose of the sticker was or how it got there. I just felt like people should see it. To be honest I didn’t even have an opinion on it because I knew nothing about it.

Well as it turns out it was part of an anti-gentrification campaign here in Austin. In my opinion it was a horribly executed campaign. That is just my opinion and in the grand scheme of things, it does not amount to a hill of beans but it is mine nonetheless.

As it turns out apparently I have a good friend in common with the person who placed the stickers. My friend, who I will call Jane since I have not asked if I could write about her, posted an article about the stickers on Facebook today. I saw the article and I wrote a simple comment…”This was horribly executed”.

Well, apparently the person who placed the stickers saw my comment and decided to chime into the discussion. In a comment dripping with condescension, he pointed me toward an interview he did and ordered me to listen to it so I could adjust my beliefs to be more in line with his. He also took the time to order Jane to talk to me to “explain” what was going on to me because I obviously did not understand.

To make a long story short, I imploded then went supernova, my own personal big bang. My comment went from that one line to a long string of expletives and insults in less than a microsecond. I was fucking pissed off and honestly had every right to be.

I don’t know why but I took his horrible tone and demeanor to heart without considering the source. Without considering what he had been through in his life. Without considering the fact that he has obviously experienced trauma in his life and has not been able to deal with it properly. In short, I forgot he has a history and life of his own. Shit…that is in chapter one of my book.

Today, I yet again, gave someone else the power to put me into an emotional state I did not want to be in. He triggered me plain and simple. The fastest way to anger me is to speak to me like I am a 6 year old who needs to have things mansplained or kidsplained.

I am an adult. I have the ability to reason, think critically, and form my own decisions based on facts and my personal observations and experience. It angers me when people speak to me like I am a dullard or ignorant. In fact, I can think of few things that anger me more. That is something I need to work on. I think in that area, on some level, I am still seeking validation and I have no need to. I know the only validation that matters is my own. I digress.

I am a little disappointed that it took almost two hours after hitting that emotional state to calm down and realize I had flown off the handle. I am a bit disappointed that it took me that long to realize that he is just acting out from the damage he has experienced in his life. Rather ironically, he probably spoke to me like that for the same reason I verbally exploded at him…he was looking for validation and I gave him the exact opposite. I still completely disagree with him and stand firmly on my opinion, I just need to remember that he is still stuck in the rabbit hole.

The occurrences of today made me ask a very important question. How can I help anyone else achieve a more enlightened state of mind when I have breakdowns like this? Aren’t I supposed to have all my shit together all of the time and never make a mistake? Isn’t that what leaders and teachers do?

I gave this some thought and arrived at a very important conclusion. I realized, it is extremely important for me to share my failures with you. During our journey toward enlightenment we are all going to fail multiple times without warning. I don’t want anyone to think I am perfect. I want them to see the truth, that I am an individual who makes mistakes just like everyone else does. I am average Joe.

I think it is important that you all know and remember that I am having the same issues on my journey that you are on yours and together, I think we can work through them and all continue our journey to a long, happy, loving, healthy life successfully.

One more thing, remember, when you fail, when you fall, when you screw up, don’t beat yourself up. Step back, analyze, make adjustments, implement them and move on. Don’t forget to admit and accept them as well. It will be just another step on the path to happiness and will help others around you be a little happier too. Joy seems to be contagious. More on that in another post.

 

Peace, love, and happiness always,

K

Having a body of glass

glass-female-body-sculptureHello everyone. I think it is time I start to address the concept of having a body of glass. Those of you that know me personally already know I am a sensitive. I pick things up from people and the world around that have/are/are going to happen.

This is NOT an easy way to live. In a lot of cases sensitives find themselves overwhelmed in social situations. We are usually overwhelmed without warning and in a major way.

Because of this, sensitives usually have to have some sort of defense mechanism when we are going out. We need to be cautious of the emotional situations we are getting into.

Well, I have heard the term “body of glass” many times. I always thought it was a load of crap to be honest. How could a sensitive person just let everything pass through them?

I should take a moment and describe the idea of having a body of glass. In short, it is the idea that, in your mind, you are going to let everything you feel, hear, see, smell, and taste pass through you and you choose what to hold on to.

This sounds much easier than it is. To be honest, when you first achieve this state of mind it feels rather aloof. You find yourself traveling through the world feeling as if you are not actually a part of it. This feeling passes quickly though and when it does a feeling of calm and serenity washes over you in even the most intense of spaces.

I achieved this state of mind for the first time only recently. It took me a while to figure out how I achieved it. I had to sort of reverse engineer the state of mind as I stumbled into it quite by accident.

The secret for me was making sure I knew what I was getting into, that I was sure that in all likelihood I could not be hurt, and I was out in public, in the crowds, with people I care about and love very much who also feel the same about me.

Before I left I took the time to do a short meditation. I was able to plug into my inner brain and remind myself, no, convince myself that I was not going to be hurt, that I was with people I loved, and that almost no matter what happened, when it was over, life would go back to normal.

We ventured out and as we were walking along the street I realized that even though there were hundreds if not thousands of people out, I was not worried, I was not in fear, and I was not overwhelmed by all the feelings of the people around me.

I could still see them. I could still hear them. I could still feel them but things passed through me, they did not stick like usual and take residence in my mind or in my energy field.

In short, what I did was make the decision that no matter what I experienced I was going to enjoy it and appreciate it for exactly what it was, an experience. This allowed me to get into a state of mind that I am now calling the participating observer.

When you are in participating observer mode you have made up your mind that you are going to be a part of the action but that you are not going to let that action or the energy associated with it reside inside you or your field of energy. When you do this, you really are, just making up your mind that no matter what happens you are going to enjoy yourself and the experience you are about to have.

I think you might be surprised at how many things about your life you can change just by making up your mind firmly to change it and then being that change.

Try the body of glass idea next time you are going out into an intense situation. Do a quick 15 minute meditation and think about the fact that you are not going to be hurt, you may not enjoy everything about it, but that whatever you experience in relationship to your function or whatever it is you are doing is going to have value going forward, even if that value is only witnessing something you did not enjoy and remembering to appreciate the experience and having it so that you can use it to relate to how awesome the better things to come are when they arrive.

Peace, love and happiness always,

K

ALERT: We have detected unauthorized touching!!

I saw a term not too long ago that made me sad. That term was mantouching.

I never even realized there was a term for this. What it refers to is the sad fact that a large portion of men feel entitled to touch women. I had to sit and think about it for a moment. Does this really happen? Is it really as bad as it seems?

Yes, it does happen, yes, it is as bad as it seems. The short version is, nobody should ever touch anyone else without their permission period. Your body is yours and you should be the one who decides who comes in contact with it and who does not.

Men, we need to think before we do things. Especially when it comes to women. Women are one of many groups who have been struggling for equality. Unfortunately, part of that equality they have had to fight for is autonomy over their own body. How sad is that?

Men, I think it is time we stood up, did some self evaluation and started to behave in a more appropriate manner.

Sit and think for a moment. I am sure at some time in your life you have had someone touch you that you did not want to touch you. It does not feel good. It gives you that creepy violated feeling.

We need to be sure we are not creating that feeling in others. Think before you act. Think before you touch someone. Ask yourself some questions. Does this person want to be touched? Is this appropriate? Should I ask if I can touch them? What will I do if they say no.

People, not just men, we need to start thinking about how our actions effect others. We need to start thinking about the feelings we are evoking in others. Maybe that young lady does not want you to touch her hand. Maybe this lady doesn’t want your arm around her or your hand on her shoulder. Maybe that young man does not want a pat on the back.

It is very easy for us to forget that not all people have the same preferences we do. It is very easy for us to forget the things we do may evoke different and unpleasant actions in others.

Let’s all take a day and really spend some time analyzing how the things we do effect the world around us and make the changes that need to be made in our behaviors.

 

Peace, love, and happiness always,

 

K

 

Why you have to be careful when you categorize

I had a discussion with a number of my friends recently and was trying to explain why stereotypes are bad in all situations. This led me to start thinking about categorizing people and the way we group things.

I don’t think most people realize how many of our problems come from our basic human need to categorize things. We refer to most things in categories or types. It is just the way the human brain seems to work.

Where we have to be careful is how we categorize things, people included. For instance, I recently saw a quote from Tina Fey. In it she used stereotypes to illustrate her point.

This is a problem. I have spoken to many people who say it was ok for her to use those stereotypes. They say it was ok because she was trying to prove a point, because she was trying to even the playing field for women. Others say it was ok because they were “good” stereotypes.

What I have come to realize over the past few days is that stereotypes are never “good.” The other point they are missing is that when you use stereotypes, even to prove a benevolent point, you are still validating the stereotype and therefore hurting a LOT of people.

Secondly, “good” stereotypes are an illusion. There is no such thing as a good stereotype. Even good stereotypes hurt other people. There are many ways they do this. I am not going to take the time to go into all of them here but I would like to address one of the ways.

Think about the people who do not fit the “good” stereotype. They get hurt, feel ashamed, or like they do not belong. The stereotype makes them feel inferior. This is terrible: why would someone want to make another person feel bad? The answer is they don’t.

Unfortunately, it is very easy for us to use inappropriate language and not even realize we are doing so. The things we say at times can seem innocuous even though they are not.

The short lesson in this post is, think about every possible angle before you speak. Get in the habit of using communication that does not label, bias or stereotype in negative ways. Take a moment and think about how you would feel if you did not fit the good stereotype…or if you fit the bad one.

Slow down and take the time to look at every possible angle before you speak. It takes a lot of work but you will find over time that it becomes habit. This doesn’t mean you always have to get it right, but don’t be afraid to say “oops, I shouldn’t have used that term, my apologies.” You might be surprised at how people look at you differently, how much better you feel about your speech, and how easy it is to remember not to do it again when you acknowledge that you made a mistake.

 

Peace, love and happiness always,

 

K

I am really feeling better already

About three years ago. Actually it was almost exactly three years ago, I met someone I hit it off with right away. Her name is Rusty Blazenhoff. I got a package in the mail from her today that she told me she had shipped to me a few days ago.

As you can see in the previous post, I was having a rough day today. I was feeling all the hurt, sadness, and oppression in the world and it was causing me to be even more sensitive. So much so that when I saw a quote from a famous comedian today I took offense to it.

Well as is the case with me at times, I stood up and said “Hey this is actually REALLY fucked up y’all.” Well what ensued was a healthy debate with my friends about what I took issue with about the quote. I found myself being saddened by the position of some of my friends. I found myself learning things about them that saddened me.

Now let me stop you there. I wasn’t saddened by the things I learned because I felt it was wrong for them to feel them, I felt saddened because for some reason it reminded me of how bad I used to feel when I felt the same way. I guess I let this leak out into the world some today because I was buckling under the pressure. That is something I really need to work on.

Well, now that I have digressed, let me get back on course.

After I opened the package, I sent Rusty a message and let her know it had arrived. I can’t explain why but I decided to make a comment about how my day had gone in one of my messages to her. What this led to was a 2.5 hour long conversation with her about life, love, perspective, emotion, empathy, learning, sharing, and helping others.

I can’t thank her enough. I love her so much, she is the best adopted brother a guy could hope for. She helped me get back to center. She and I see the world through almost identical eyes. We share a very similar past and very similar experiences. She helped me remember all of the things I am supposed to be teaching everyone else.

We talked about good things. She reminded me that not everything in the world is shit and that even though the suffering and grief I was receiving was real, that there is a shit ton of good in the world too. We talked about her wonderful daughter. It reminded me that there is someone right in front of me who has a very good chance of growing up not broken. She reminded me of my niece who will in all likelihood grow up unharmed and loved by her entire family. She reminded me that not so long ago women could not vote. She reminded me that not so long ago black people couldn’t vote or eat in the same restaurant as others. She reminded me that not so long ago people OWNED people.

Then she reminded me of how far we have come. She reminded me of the immutable voice of the Internet and how the voice of what is right eventually always wins. She reminded me that things are moving forward and getting better. Most importantly, indirectly, she reminded me that I was stuck in the microscopic view again.

She helped me remember to zoom out and feel the entire universe as a whole. She reminded me that universally, there is a balance and that balance must be maintained. What does this mean?

In a single phrase…shit happens and you have to accept it and move on. Unfortunately people suffer and things go wrong. Unfortunately suffering for some reason is an easier emotion to receive from others than joy. Unfortunately sometimes there is more suffering than joy.

The important part to remember is that everything happens and is the way it is because that is the only way it could have happened or have been.

To my brother Rusty, you are awesome and I love you more than I could express. I feel very blessed to have you in my life. To the rest of my friends, I love you all very much. I know you all put up with a lot of shit from me because I over analyze everything. I know you end up in debates with me a lot because I like to reanalyze and tend to enjoy debate. THANK YOU for doing it.

I appreciate my friendship with every single one of you. I argue with you because I value your opinion and believe it or not, I consider every word you are saying and in quite a few cases have ended up changing my views a little. Most importantly what I would like to say to you is thank you for accepting me for who I am and how I am. Thank you for arguing with me. Thank you for not being afraid to stand up. Thank you for being honest with me and telling me when you think I am being an ass. I promise you that even though I seem like I am being an argumentative jackass or picking fights with you at times, I really have nothing but the utmost respect and love for you. If I didn’t I wouldn’t argue with you, I would just move on.

Claire, Ashley, I swear you two are my heroes. I might not even put up with the kind of shit from me you put up with from me. Thank you for taking the time to listen and talk to me and thank you for taking me seriously.

Claire, I hope I can be your straight gay boyfriend for years to come.

Oh and did I mention? Rusty has two of the most awesome pieces of media I have seen. If you know me (you are reading this so at this stage you most likely do) you know I do not read unless it is technical or an analysis.

Let me say this I read BOTH yes BOTH of these and not just because I think she is awesome but because the content is fantastic. She has an amazing perspective on the digital age and won’t let you forget how you grew up. It is refreshing, upbeat, cutting edge and nostalgic all at once. I guess you could say they ARE Rusty :). Give her a read, you won’t regret it.

Read her awesome culture blog here: http://www.blazenfluff.com

Sign up for her inbox zine here: http://www.electricdreaming.com

Peace, love, and happiness always,

K

Having a rough day

You won’t see me often write a post without a lesson but today I must. Today is one of those days where I feel all the sadness, hurt, and injustice happening in the world as if I was being forced to watch it.

It is not easy being a sensitive person. It is not easy watching your friends do, say, or support things that you feel are terribly wrong. It is even harder to have to debate with them on why these things that are universally accepted as bad are bad. The icing on the cake is when they will not even admit you have a point whether or not they agree.

I made a decision today to not make any big decisions. When I get like this I can’t make clear well informed decisions. I am biased by the fact that I feel like the world is crushing me. I feel like the universe has a jackboot on my head and is pouring negative into my ear. I don’t do negative anymore. You really can find good in absolutely everything if you try.

I find myself not liking things about the people I really care about today. Luckily I am emotionally skilled enough to take responsibility for those feelings and the fact that they do NOT mean my friends are bad people. They just don’t agree with me sometimes and that is ok. That is one of the reasons I love them. They are all smart, wonderful caring people and I don’t like thinking negative things about them.

When I get into these types of spaces I just want to crawl in a hole and let the world fall apart. I think the most important thing though is to make sure you are not doing things when in this state, that hurt others.

It is important to remember when you are feeling down, depressed, stressed or angry that the things you do and say do not go away when you feel better and you could do severe and permanent damage to relationships and people. This is not a lesson, this is me trying to remind myself of the right way to handle this state of mind.

I have to ask myself though, why are people defending these things? Why are people defending statements that are so obviously wrong and hurtful to so many people? How could the people I care about think the things they are telling me?

Maybe this is one of those cases where the answer is obvious only because I have done a lot of work to get to the mental space where I understand. Maybe I am too literal. Maybe I speak on the “perfect world” scenario too much. I don’t know what the issue is but there is one and it might just be me.

Today is the type of day where you want to cry your eyes out because you feel, hear, and see the world suffering around you and the people you care about seem to be defending things that contribute to that suffering.

I guess the lesson I am using and not learning today is be emotionally aware and take responsibility for those emotions. Well, today, I am certainly getting a lot of practice on that front and only doing a so-so job.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day and there will be much more love and happiness in the world than there is today.

So many people tell me they want my life. So many people tell me they want to be me or as much like me as they can.

Let me tell you something, you see mostly the good. Spend some time in this state of mind feeling the sorrow of the entire universe piled up on your head and shoulders and tell me then if you still want to be me :). Something tells me you may not.

Peace, love and happiness always,

 

K

Expressing your feelings when you’re hurt

This popped into my head as an important topic as I was recently hurt by someone I care about. Believe me, my friends, I know what it feels like to be hurt. As a hyper-emotional individual, I get hurt easily and often.hurt

I try to take responsibility for my reactions to things. I always analyze my feelings and their origin before allowing myself to have a reaction to them. Believe me this is not an easy task.

There are a few things you should keep in mind when deciding to voice your hurt to your partner.

First and foremost, you need to remember that 99 times out of 100, your partner did not deliberately do what they did to hurt you. I know this is much easier said than done when you are hurt. You are experiencing feelings of anger, sadness, depression, betrayal, neglect, or something else negative and powerful. The reason you need to remember this is because the actions you take when you are hurt do not erase themselves when you feel better. It is very easy to fall into a trap where you say or do something that is hurtful and you end up regretting it later. Unfortunately, by that point, it can never be taken back. Trust me, you will never regret not having said something hateful or hurtful to your partner.

First and foremost, you need to remember that 99 times out of 100, your partner did not deliberately do what they did to hurt you.

Secondly, take time to assess how you are really feeling. A lot of the time, the feelings you perceive at the onset are not the same feelings you realize you have later; they are more like symptoms. For instance, right after you get hurt you will usually experience anger and sadness. After a few hours, or a day, you might find that the real problem was a feeling of abandonment, slight, or disregard. It is extremely important when communicating your hurt to your partner that you first understand what it is you are feeling. I know it sounds silly, but you might be surprised at how this turns out for you. We all misidentify our emotions at one time or another. What makes you emotionally advanced is knowing this and taking the time to evaluate.

We all misidentify our emotions at one time or another. What makes you emotionally advanced is knowing this and taking the time to evaluate.

Third, you need to address your partner calmly with respect and compassion. This is going to be emotional for both of you. This does not mean you cannot cry, get upset, or express yourself; it means you need to be honest about how you are feeling and try to remember that your partner is going to have feelings too. In a lot of cases, those feelings are not going to be good. They are going to, in all likelihood, feel bad for hurting you. I think you will find it is easier to express how you feel when you keep the feelings of your partner in mind as you communicate. If nothing else, it will serve as an example of how to interact without hurting someone when you have an issue. I have said it before and I will say it again: “hurt people, hurt people.”

Fourth, take responsibility. It is very rare when something wrong in a relationship is caused by a single party. Take responsibility for your feelings. Take responsibility for the reactions you have. Maybe instead of “this is how you made me feel,” you could try “because I have been through X, I tend to be like Y and when you behave like you did yesterday it hurts me, and I don’t like being hurt by or angry at you, let’s figure out how we can work together to keep this from happening again.” Just because you take responsibility for your part or your emotions does not mean that you are conceding the right to hurt you to your partner. It shows that you have taken the time to evaluate your feelings. It shows that you have considered their feelings and respect them. I know this sounds new age but the fact is, if you work things out and take responsibility, you can spend more time having sex instead of arguing. I think most people would like that.

Just because you take responsibility for your part or your emotions does not mean that you are conceding the right to hurt you to your partner. It shows that you have taken the time to evaluate your feelings.

Fifth, make sure you are willing to do your part to help your partner heal or change. If it is a one-time thing and it does not happen again, great. Let it go and get past it. You have dealt with it, your partner understands how they made you feel, and it is time to just let it go and be forgotten. It is just another piece of who you are. If there is something that needs to be changed, offer to help. Offer to do what you can, in a healthy way, to make it easier for them to change. See if there is a behavior you can change in compromise that will make it easier for them to make adjustments. Also, no matter what, don’t forget to give them time to work on it. Not many things or people change overnight.

Your partner needs to know that you expect to be hurt by them. Let them know you do not expect them to be perfect, and when they hurt you, you still love them anyway.

Finally and most importantly, make sure your partner knows how much you love, respect, and cherish them. Your partner needs to know that you expect to be hurt by them. Let them know you do not expect them to be perfect, and when they hurt you, you still love them anyway (assuming you still do). You can be supportive while you are asserting yourself. You can be supportive while telling your partner you do not like their behavior and it hurts you. Being supportive is all about letting the other person know that regardless of whether or not you agree or feel the same as they do, you still love and respect them.

Think about how you would like your partner to come to you when they have a problem with you. Next, take the time to think about how they like to have issues brought up to them and then to do the best you can to respect everyone’s wishes.

Remember, don’t hide how you feel. When you are hurt and sweep it under the rug it may stop hurting but it does not stop festering and eventually, it will come out later and be thrown on the pile in an argument and that is not a good thing to do to someone you love.

 

Peace, love and happiness always,

K

The importance of communication in a relationship.

I saw someone post an article on Facebook today that talked about things women don’t tell men about sex but should.

Communication

I read the article and it had some good information in it. I didn’t agree with all of it but I am not a woman so I am going to take the feedback of the women at face value and believe their answers. After all, who would know more about being a woman than a woman?

Now where I started to get concerned was when I started to read the comments. I saw ridiculous comments that stated things like, the reason a circumcised man is less sensitive than a man with foreskin is because “The penis dries out and becomes less sensitive”. I could not believe my eyes. I had to read that comment three times to make sure I was really reading what it said.

Another comment that concerned me was a woman who said “We should not have to tell men what we want in bed, they should just figure it out on their own.”

You have got to be kidding me. Really?!?! You are going to promote less communication in a relationship? This made me realize that it may not be so obvious that communication in a relationship is important if not crucial.

First, let’s take a look at what we should be/need to be communicating. The answer here is simple although not always easy to do. Most importantly in a relationship, you need to communicate your feelings. This does not mean just happiness and joy. This also means love, sadness, anger and frustration as well.

If you expect your partner to “just know” you are going to find yourself “Just broken up”. It is not fair to expect either partner in a relationship, regardless of gender, to just know what the other is thinking or feeling. This does not apply just to romantic relationships either. This information applies to all personal relationships.

Don’t get me wrong there is responsibility on both sides of the fence. The person communicating needs to do so in a constructive and respectful way and the person listening needs to listen and take to heart what they are being told. Not as a negative, but as constructive criticism. Your partner is telling you how they feel because they want to be with you and have a happy relationship with you not because they dislike you or are trying to hurt you.

This is one of those strange things in relationships that feels bad or uncomfortable at times but is actually good. After all, if you do not tell someone what they are doing to piss you off, how can you expect them to fix it? At the same time if your partner gives you feedback, listen and try to work with them to figure out what the issue is. I think you will find that your partner is eager to work with you to get things worked out so everyone is happy.

Sometimes it is something very easy to fix. Other times it may land you talking to a relationship counselor. Either way, it is always best to talk about and deal with your issues so that nobody feels slighted in a relationship. Both partners in a relationship are entitled to have feelings. Acknowledging your partners feelings by listening to them and taking them to heart is always a good thing. You really do need to remember, again, that they are sharing these things because they love you and want to be with you.

The last point I would like to cover is sex. This may be one of the most important communication areas in a romantic relationship. Sadly, it is also one of the ones that is most often neglected or not dealt with at all.

In order for you to communicate with your partner during sex, first you need to know what you like or at least have a desire to experiment and figure it out.

Share this with your partner. Don’t be afraid to say “Hey it feels good when you touch me here” or “I like it when you do this with your tongue” or “Hey, it doesn’t feel so hot with teeth” or what have you. Sorry to be so graphic but these are EXACTLY the types of things that never get talked about. The silliest part is, the person we should all feel most comfortable talking to about this is our partners. I understand this is not always the case. If you do a little research you will find there is plenty of information available on activities you can do to help rebuild that closeness. I will write more on this later or perhaps invite a guest writer to cover the topic.

I recommend sharing your fantasies with each other, you might find out you have some in common. Don’t be afraid to experiment. If you try something and don’t like it, it is ok to say so.

Here is a good way to break the ice, human sex map…fill one of these out and share it with your partner. Ask them to fill one out and share theirs with you. When you find spots of interest that neither has tried…give them a try. I guarantee you will have fun and you might even find out you are meeting your partner for the first time in the bedroom 😉 Either way, make sure you take the time to talk about all of it :).

The point is, if you do not communicate with your partner, if you do not share your fears, courage, successes, failures, desires, and wishes with your partner, the chances of your relationship surviving, romantic or otherwise, are not good.

Give in, allow yourself to love and trust that your partner will love ALL of you. Trust them with your feelings and allow them to trust you with theirs. Just remember that comes with responsibilities in both directions too (more on that later). Take a chance, I personally guarantee that when you find the right person you will not care how many tries it took to find them.

I would like to close by saying, Be careful with other peoples hearts and reckless with your own. Fall in love with the world as often and as deeply as you can. Until just a few years ago I had no idea what that really meant.

Peace, love and happiness always,

K

Narcissistic Reality vs. Narcissistic Personality…There is a difference!

*Please read this before reading the article below.*

Hello everyone,

I wrote a piece a couple of days ago on the theory of narcissistic reality. This apparently started some debate on narcissistic personalities. I feel like I need to clarify some on the subject of NR vs. Narcissistic personalities.

There is a huge difference between the two. They are NOT the same thing. Narcissistic reality talks about how our lives tend to be focused on the things that are within our sensory perception and how we have a biological, mental, and emotional need to deal with only the things that are directly giving us input at any given time.

A narcissistic personality is very different. In my NR piece I mentioned removing the negative connotation of the word narcissism. When I say this I am only referring to when you are thinking about narcissistic reality theory.

I would like to make it very clear that there is absolutely a negative meaning for the word narcissist and it is very valid. Allow me to take a moment to cover narcissistic personality.

I grew up with a brother who is a sociopath. He is the very text book definition of a dangerous, abusive narcissist. He sees people as objects, things to be manipulated and/or used for his own gain. He sees people in terms of what they can do for him, what they can provide him, and what he can get out of them. He is a dangerous liar. He is abusive emotionally. He lives in a totally non-realistic world where everything exists as an object. Nobody has valid feelings or concerns and nobody but him is right PERIOD.

I do NOT condone in any way narcissistic people. It is VERY important for you to be on the lookout for these individuals. There are a number of tell tale signs that you have run into a sociopath or an abusive narcissist (I think it is important to point out that not ALL narcissists are abusive).

Here is a link to more information on how to identify a sociopath or narcissistic abuser.

Below is a list of things I use to identify a sociopath from my experience. I would also like to add if you suspect you are with a sociopath right now and would like someone to talk to please feel free to send an e-mail to the ask Kaspr! address. I would be happy to have a private, non-public, discussion with you and give you guidance and provide resources to help you change your situation.

1) These people tend to have experiences that are ALWAYS similar to yours. Anything you talk about they will have similar experiences but their experience will always one up yours.

2) They tend to try convince you that you have issues but that they can help you with them with their sensitive insight.

3) They tend to seem overly helpful, overly kind, overly trusting and overly sharing. In short, you will find yourslef thinking they are too good to be true.

4) In my experience they are ALWAYS right…in their own mind. They tell lies and give bogus facts to back up their positions even in the face of concrete evidence that they are lying.

5) They tend to see “how the world operates” in a very unrealistic way.

6) They take, very appreciatively, and take and take and take and take until you have nothing left to give. Then when you need their help they disappear.

Of course there are many other things but these are the tell tale signs I have experienced in the 40 years that I have been related to a sociopath.

I want to be very clear that NOBODY should accept being abused by a narcissist or otherwise. You need to be careful with these people and watch out for them.

Again, I cannot be clear enough, you do not want to change your definition of narcissism permanently, you just need to step away from the negative connotations of the word when you are thinking about narcissistic reality. We all live in one. The trick is, living in a narcissistic reality does NOT mean you are a narcissist. I have a lot of friends who I have met over the last few years who, like me, live in a narcissistic reality but most certainly are NOT narcissists nor abusers.

Now as a closing though, I would like to apologize to any of my friends or readers who were offended or felt slighted by my post on NR. By no means did I intend to say being an abusive narcissist is ok. It most certainly is not and you deserve every ounce of respect and love that everyone else does.

My sincerest apologies to all of you for not clarifying earlier. I love every single one of you and I hope my post did not offend, hurt or make you feel slighted in anyway. That was most certainly not my intention.

Peace, love and happiness always,

K

Sometimes I am overwhelmed.

It’s crazy when I think about it. Not three years ago I was a broken man. I was hopeless. I was in a marriage that was ending with someone I loved very much but could no longer live with due to a number of things. That is not the point though. She is not an evil person and neither am I.

What I think is crazy is, that if you had asked me three years ago, what I thought the future held for me…I would have said pain and sorrow. I was convinced that life was just a constant recycling of the same actions that got you nowhere.

Well, I realize now that is so untrue. I went from overwhelming grief to overwhelming joy in a matter of a few years. I am overcome with emotion. The full range of them. Some of them I am having to deal with for the first time in a long time and it feels really strange.

Day by day though I learn. One step at a time. When I feel something strongly I take a step back and assess where those feelings are coming from and try to figure out what to do with them.

Yes, that is right, the advice columnist is human and has issues of his own :-). thankfully though, the universe planned for me to be able to deal with the extreme emotions I feel by being equally as logical which allows me to take that step back and assess.

Don’t get me wrong it is not an easy thing to do but in nearly 40 years I think I have the hang of it.

All in all it has been worth it. I have learned to appreciate every emotion for exactly what it is…yet another small piece of the very complicated puzzle that makes me…well…me!

Peace, love and happiness always,

K